Our Story Part Two: IVF Here We Come

Well, here we are. Our next step in the journey to become parents is official- IVF here we come. I'll be completely honest, I didn't want to be here. I absolutely did not want to do IVF. At the start of this process, IVF just seemed like a distant option that we didn't think we would end up pursuing. We assumed that the IUI procedures would work and that IVF wouldn't be a part of our story.

God knew otherwise.

I'm not here today to tell you how thrilled we were to be going into this process. I'm not here to lay out our plans or go into detail about the process. That will be a different story for a different day later this week. Today, I am here to share with you how God has changed my perspective and shaped my heart through the past year to prepare me for IVF, because our story going into IVF is bittersweet.

We started our first IUI procedure in June of 2018 and continued them until December. And as those months continued, with every negative pregnancy test, IVF started to become more and more real. Yet, it was something I continued to push off and absolutely refused to think about. It just seemed like such a final last resort kind of thing and I refused to face the reality that it could possibly get there.

I started seriously praying against IVF after our third failed IUI in 2018. If you have followed our story, you'll know that August of 2018 was hands down the hardest and most challenging month of our story. We officially had three negative IUI procedures under our belts and we were starting to lose hope...fast. So I began seriously and intentionally praying every day for us to get pregnant naturally (by miracle) or through IUI procedures. I kept telling God that I didn't want to do IVF. Initially, I really struggled with the thought of "playing God" and where that line falls and I think that was one of the most intimidating thoughts of IVF. So, I prayed. And I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. Because I was certain that I could still, somewhat, control our story and well, IVF wasn't going to be in our story.

Spoiler alert: our story includes IVF.

When our IUIs continued to fail, I just became more and more angry with God. I started pointing my finger at Him in anger, disappointment, and hurt. The worst part is that I began to doubt His goodness. I doubted His faithfulness. I doubted that His plan prospers us. I felt like He was slowly painting us into a corner of discomfort and hurt in order to bring glory to His Kingdom and honestly, I really didn't understand that. I had prayed to Him consistently and told Him that I didn't want to do IVF. Time and time again, I prayed. Time and time again, I told Him- I'm not going to do this. It's scary and I refuse to be uncomfortable. But month after month, IVF inched itself into our discussions.

I'd also like to pause here and say that nothing else had been offered to us. At this time, we were only presented with medicated cycles, IUIs, and IVF. Hormone panels, extensive bloodwork, and other natural approaches were never on the table for us because, at the time, we had no idea they even existed or that it was an option for us. This is a HUGE problem that I see with the care for fertility, but that's another story for another time.

So how, where, and when was this huge perspective change? I'm not entirely sure. I can't sit here and tell you that it was one specific moment. Over time, God changed my perspective. He just did. Slowly and bit by bit, things just changed.

People began coming to us and sharing their testimony of infertility. People reached out and prayed for us. People shared with us how they had heard the gospel and saw God through our story. People from all over the world began to reach out to us and build a community with us to reassure us we weren't alone. God was at WORK! Somewhere along the way, God reminded me of something that happened after one of our IUI procedures. My period was late and in the exciting thoughts of, "I might be pregnant!" I heard God speak to me and say that now was not the time because He had a lot more people for us to help and reach. If we'd been pregnant after that IUI, I wouldn't have been able to reach more people through our testimony of having more failed IUIs and then through IVF, too.

Well, if I have learned one thing it would be this: God works in ways I never thought He would.

Because there we were, a year later and on the cusp of starting our next step with IVF.

At the end of 2018, Alex and I sat down and really talked through what we wanted to do. We knew that we weren't going to pursue IUI procedures in 2019 and we had to figure out what to do next. We talked about adoption, fostering, IVF and every other option that we had. Yet, as we continued to talk, IVF was constantly and consistently the idea where God was calling us to go. So, we took some time. We agreed to think and pray through it on our own and then come together to discuss how we really felt. Sometime later, we decided that if the December IUI came back negative, we would start 2019 with a clean start and pursue IVF.

And ya know what? I think that's where the official shift really happened. In the surrender of our situation and the comfort of knowing that we would have a fresh start, I became okay. This was not something I ever expected for us in the journey of building our family. I just always thought that sex would work for us, but it didn't and as devastating as that was- I realized, for like the thousandth time, that we have no control over this situation. Like zero control. God had a plan for our life and He called us down this path so we chose to obey and listen. It's not the conventional way for family building and a lot of people have had a lot to say about our personal journey over the years, but I don't answer to them. I answer to God and I rest in the fact that I KNOW what He called us to do. It may not make sense to any of us this side of Heaven and I may never fully have the answers to so many questions within our journey, but at the end of the day- I don't have to know the answers. I just need to know and remember that God is good and that His plan far exceeds anything I have for myself.

I felt really content and peaceful about our next step. Don't get me wrong, it was totally and utterly intimidating when we had our first appointment with the IVF Fertility Clinic. They handed us a BINDER of information and said, "Here's everything that could genetically be wrong with you. We'll test these seven tubes of blood and let you know in two weeks what comes back." Okay, they weren't that abrupt, but still! That's some intimidating stuff. We got back to the car and sat in the parking lot for a bit. We cried some and talked a lot. Yet, we still felt like this is where we were supposed to be.

Here's one thing that I am really came to find: strength does not come from comfort. In Matthew, it tells the story of when Jesus walked on water. He calls Peter to step out of the boat and walk to Him on the water. Peter leaves the boat and begins to walk on the water to Jesus, but as he begins to lose focus on Jesus- he begins to sink. I lost sight of our purpose. I lost my focus on Jesus and where He was leading us to go and I began to sink. I sank because I focused on my wants, fears, and MY plan. But as I begin to re-set my focus on Him, I am reminded of our purpose. I am reminded of His goodness. I am reminded that this is bigger than us. I am reminded that He gave us this ministry because He knew that we could handle it. And while that's an intimidating thought to digest- I am so thankful that God knows me better than I know myself. He sees a strength in me that I can't and because of that, He will call me out of my comfort to show me just how strong I am.

I am actually really thankful for this journey. I am thankful for the pain and for every negative pregnancy test. It made me stronger. It made Alex stronger. It has made US stronger. But more importantly, it has made us stronger with God and we see that we couldn't have made it this far without His strength, grace, and love.

God is at work through our story. It's not finished yet, but I know this will be a story of redemption. How is He at work in your story? How is He redeeming you and your situation? Look desperately to see, because I guarantee He is pursuing you fiercely, even if you're silent.

"It is overwhelming not to know how all of this brokenness will be mended, but may you be all the more overwhelmed by just how loved you are, and how wonderful it is that God is completely in control of the healing and restoration your soul so desperately needs." -Morgan Harper Nichols

Keep fighting. Keep searching. Find life in the waiting, that's where you'll find God.

Come back tomorrow as we dive in about the process of IVF and remember, if you have any questions- please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm so happy you're here and I'm really thankful that you've invested in our story today. We couldn't do this without you.

And remember, if you are looking for infertility resources or products, check out The Warrior Shop! I've compiled a bunch of different products to help you no matter where you are in your journey so be sure to check it out.

Until next time, GO SHINE YOUR LIGHT!

SB